Do you ever miss the person you used to be? I’m not just talking about the ability to bounce back after a big night, or to fully function on 4 hours sleep (although this would be delightful), what I mean is the traits you used to have.
Having gone through depression and ongoing illness for over 10 years, I seem to have lost a big part of myself. I remember one of my good friends describing me as having lost the twinkle in my eyes. Somewhere in all that was going on at the time I lost my sparkle.
My husband was telling me the other day that he had met this woman that reminded him of me – “you know the way you used to be”. He went on to describe a vivacious, chatty (oh yeah she could talk!!) and bubbly lady who had all the traits that I once possessed. This was not a hurtful comment, it was true, we both know I have changed a great deal and the reasons behind that, but it did get me thinking.
What happened to the girl that travelled Europe at 18 all by herself? The girl that was told a number of times that she lights up a room when she enters? The girl that would turn up to a party and know almost everyone who attended by the time she left? What about that girl that was ever so reliable and if she started something, then she would follow through?
Did the demon anxieties take over or have I just grown up? Have I become cold, cynical, untrusting? As you know I do suffer with anxiety issues. I worry, I worry a lot! I was once carefree and now, I seem to spend more time caught up in my own dramas and those of the ones I love. It is very difficult to break free of a mindset that you spent what seemed like an eternity in. Being sick all the time has a tendency to break you down and I worry that I have not only let it take over my life, but now as I am trying to move onward and upward that it is still holding me back.
As I embark on my journey in designing my new life, I would like to get some of that old girl back. It is sooo very easy for me to fall into old patterns, but new habits need to be formed. I spoke recently of living in gratitude and I now go to bed each night listing the things that I am grateful for today. Luckily I wake up to my sons hugs and kisses (you know its the only way mummy can wake up) so instead of the sinus headache setting the tone for the day, I get to wake up enveloped in love.
My husband luckily loves me just the way I am. I don’t wish to speak on his behalf as his story is not mine to tell, but I think it would be safe to say that it has hurt him along to way to watch some of those things in me die. I hope that as I move forward I can gain some of that back and take charge of the person I am going to be. Not just for me, but also for him- going through something like that with someone is extremely taxing and there is a helplessness that nobody (let alone a man) finds easy to deal with.
So what is it that I miss the most? I think it is the energy, being constantly on the go and having a very full social life. Also, the reliability and dependability – you could always count on me.
So how far have I come? I’ve discovered the causes of my ill health, I’ve taken charge of my diet, dropped the weight and maintained it helping me to claw back some of the energy that I once possessed. I’ve done a style workshop, went shopping with a stylist and feel more confident when I stride out the door. I raise my son to know that ‘where there is a will there is a way’. My husband and I have implemented date night to reconnect each month and we will finish building our pool later this year providing incentive to return to the “party house” we used to be (well a little different – that picture now involves a gaggle of kids in tow).
So, do I miss that person I used to be? Hell yeah! But I am determined to make the future person a slightly different and better version.
What do you miss about the person you used to be?
What is it about our youth that makes us look back longingly?
Have you been through something that has completely transformed your life?